The life before his eyes
by MrsM-7
Summary: At the moments of our deaths we find ourselves wondering what we would change if we only had a minute left in this world. Part 3 of How we came to be series- a series of stories about some milestones in the lives of Richard Grayson and Wally West that led to their imminent future as one.


They say your life flashes before your eyes at your last moments on Earth. As a scientist, I have always been against this belief. My death experience in Martian Manhunter's simulation only reinforced this. After all, we all technically died and none of us suffered through this supposed flashback. However, sometimes I wonder if it were to be true, what life would flash before my eyes? Would I see the life of the scared bleeding little boy that cried himself to sleep, the one of the hero that could claim to be the fastest teen alive or my latest life, that of the man that left everything he loves behind in order to escape his closest friend? I knew without a doubt which life I would choose if I had the choice, I knew what memories I would like to see before I died.

However, now I have a new theory. Maybe it isn't our life that flashes before our eyes, maybe it is our unfinished business, our regrets, what we wished we had enough time left to fix.

-/-/-/-

Like always, I decided that denial was the best option. Therefore, every time we found ourselves in the same room with others I acted as if nothing had changed, as if we were still best friends. However, I wasn't fooling anyone. The original members of the team could feel our awkwardness and Uncle Barry and Aunt Iris knew what had happened and even though we knew Dick had most likely never meant what he said, they could still not see him as they once had and for that matter neither could I. The new members of the Team, except for Barbara, didn't know how close we used to be. Some of them were even surprised to learn that Kid Flash had been part of the founding trio. Because after all, who was Kid Flash? He was just a kid speedster that used to follow The Flash around and that disappeared as abruptly as he had come into the picture.

At first, Dick tried to save our relationship. He tried to contact me in any way imaginable including trying to sneak into my house at Palo Alto. Unfortunately for him, Artemis had acquired a dog that alerted us of his presence at the window. He fled before Artemis and I could see him but I knew it was him. However, I didn't say anything.

Artemis and the rest of the team used to ask all the time what went wrong. But after a year of being denied answers from both of us they decided to stop asking and Dick decided to stop trying. He started to play my game, we acted as if nothing was wrong. In front of others, if the situation demanded it, we respectfully addressed each other and tried to prevent ourselves from making snide remarks but the hesitation, the sadness and guilt was tangible enough for everyone to realize that the once Kid Flash and Nightwing were not friends.

We hadn't talk in a while. Actually, I couldn't remember the last time we had seen each other for more than ten minutes. Two years had passed. Two years since Jason died, since I left the team, since I lost my best friend. Therefore, it took me by surprise to find him at my doorstep that day. He looked for lack of a better word like hell. He was sitting on the bottom step of the stairs and had frozen upon seeing me arrive. His skin was pale, the whites of his eyes were in nets of red and the shadows under his eyes were purple. A yellow bruise was fading from his sunken cheekbones and the way he held himself suggested that he had at least two ribs in the mending. I raised an eyebrow upon seeing him and Dick correctly took it for what it was, a silent question: _What the hell was he doing here?_

"Hey, mmm, I'm sorry to barge in like this. I was just wandering if I could talk to you and Artemis for a minute." He avoided making eye contact with me as he said this. However when five minutes passed and I had still not given him an answer, he looked up. His eyes, like they had for the past two years when they looked upon me, were full of regret, insecurity and sadness. Those sad eyes searched mine and apparently found something he didn't like because suddenly Dick was apologizing profusely for coming and standing up to leave.

"Come on, Artemis should be home soon." Ignoring his shocked expression, I walked past him to open the front door as an excuse to turn my back to him. After a couple of tries, my hands were shaking, I finally managed to open the door. I left it open as I walked towards the kitchen while Dick hesitantly shuffled in behind me. I walked out of the kitchen to find him standing just a step inside the house. The unsureness in his eyes made me more aware than ever of how much our relationship had changed. Hell once upon a time, Dick would have been waiting in my couch instead of the front door with a smirk and a comment about how my security system sucked. Snapping out of my reverie, I tossed him a can of soda and made my way into the living room. Again, Dick followed me silently. His eyes roamed the house with a little curiosity, it had escaped my notice that Dick had never actually been inside.

"So…what happened to you? You look like shit." I tried to break the awkwardness and immediately flinched at my hostile tone. However, Dick didn't seemed to notice. He actually seemed surprised that I had talk to him at all. Maybe he expected we would sit there in silence until Artemis arrived. That was after all our first time alone in the same room after the disastrous event that ruined our friendship. He snorted and finally looked at me.

"That's what I came to talk to both of you about. Suffice to say, things have not been the best for a while." He said with a grimace while rubbing his right side. Suddenly, a horrifying thought came to me.

"What happened? Is everyone all right? Is someone…dead?" I rushed out, my eyes sparking with the electricity that had been dormant for a long time at the thought of losing someone else. After all, what other reason would have brought Dick to make a personal visit all the way from Bludhaven?

"No, no, no, no. Calm down, everyone is fine. Tim has a sprained ankle and Lagoon boy got a concussion but the rest of us only got a few bruises. Everyone is fine." I sighted in relief. However, anxiety soon started creeping back into my system.

"If everybody is fine, then what are you doing here?" I voiced my unease out loud, at this Dick did flinched. However, my anxiety made me unable to care.

"I, I came to ask for your help"

"My help?" I asked incredulously and a little suspicious. Dick _never_ asked for help, not as Robin not as Nightwing and definitely not as directly as he just had. He was stubborn and proud. Therefore, he preferred to curse and hint until someone offered to help. He would refuse that he needed it at first but at last he would accept and then deny over his own grave that the incident ever happened. He was the boy wonder, prodigy of Batman, the last of the Flying Graysons, he did not need help, rather people liked to work besides him. So it shocked me to hear those words escape my old friend. Even if Dick had changed and was now mature enough to accept help that didn't mean he would ever need _my_ help. After all, in our last conversation Dick made it perfectly clear that he had no use for me what so ever.

"Yeah, yours and Artemis." Dick spoke breaking me out of my depressing thoughts.

"With what? What could I possibly do that someone else on the team can't?" I asked sincerely confused. Dick's face changed again to that sad, guilty look it had when he first arrived here.

"A lot actually." He answered but just as I was about to angrily ask what _a lot_ consisted of Artemis arrived.

"Wally you better had taken out the trash or I….oh hi Dick." Artemis voice flattered when she noticed our visitor. Her gaze shifted between both of us and for a couple of seconds I could see a little hope shinning behind her dark eyes. Then she noticed our tense postures, my vibrating hands and Dick's shifting gaze. The hope went out of her eyes faster than a candle in the wind and just as soon fear filled them.

"Who is it?" She asked in a monotone voice trying to act as if her heart wasn't racing as fast as a speedsters and as if her emotions weren't as out of control as Raven on a bad day.

"Everyone is fine babe, Dick is apparently only here to ask for our help."

"Oh" Relieved she collapse on a chair beside Dick and curiously asked "So, what do you need?" Dick's eyes had returned to Nightwing mode but not because he was just about to talk about business. His calculating gaze shifted between Artemis and I, specially the fact that she had chosen to sit on a chair instead of beside me or even on my lap. I started to feel self-conscious and angry. So she sat on a chair? It didn't mean anything! And if it had, it wasn't any of his business.

"Well?" I snapped when what felt like eternity passed and Dick still hadn't made any progress on telling us what he came here in the first place to tell us. Artemis shot me a glare that I returned with an eye role but at least it seemed like Dick would finally talk.

"I came here to ask you if you would come back. We need you back on The Team."

Dick started talking about how the team was barely hanging on, about Kaldur's staged betrayal, about Megan and Conner's animosity, about the fast rates in which missions were failings, about the possible involvement of The Light...he told us everything but even though a part of my brain was listening to him, another was still shocked and had gone deaf at those simple words _We need you back on The Team._ Upon hearing them, I had suddenly found myself in the cave two years ago when my best friend words destroyed me. Suddenly, I found myself swallowing all the pills in the medical cabinet in my aunt and uncle's bathroom. Suddenly I found himself waking up to Aunt Iris's sobs and Uncle Barry's guilt. Suddenly, I found myself running away from everything I love. And all of that started with _his_ words.

"How dare you?" I interrupted Dick's monologue with a growl. Both, Dick and Artemis's eyes widened at my sudden shaking body and red face.

"How do you dare to come here and ask me to _come back_ as if I leaving was my choice?" I ignored Artemis's gasp and confused expression. "You know why I left. You know why I abandoned the only thing that made me feel happy and worthwhile to come live this stupid normal life with this snobs. So how? How do you dare to come here at this home that was forced upon me and ask me to come back as if it was my choice in the first place to leave?" I hate confrontation, that's why I avoid it with laughter, cold shoulders or of course running. I guess that after all the confrontation I went through as a child, it isn't a surprise how much I hate it now. But then, standing red face and with fists shaking in front of Dick all I could feel was relief. I was relieved to finally saying the words that had been consuming me.

Dick couldn't look at me in the eyes. However, Artemis could and she was furious.

"What the hell are you talking about? If you were so miserable to come here with me, why did you? I did not force you to come here. It was your choice." She spat while poking my chest so hard it would've bruise if I wasn't a speedster.

"No it wasn't" Dick interrupted Artemis's rant making her shift her anger towards him.

"And what is that supposed to mean?! Are you saying is my fault that Wally left?!"

"No, I am saying it's mine"

Total silence engulfed us. I was still shaking with fury. Artemis was once again confused and I flinched upon realizing hurt and Dick stood in front of us as if he was a murderer who had just admitted to his crimes.

"Wally, what happened that day is and will always be my biggest regret. I was auto-destroying myself and I repaid your help by destroying you. You saved me from myself and in return I betrayed and broke you. If it wasn't for you, I don't think I would have been able to regain my life. You saved me that day Walls. My actions towards you made me realize that I had to let go and I am so sorry that in the process you had to suffer so much. Wally please, I am sorry. Wally please come back, come home." Dick looked sincere and miserable and I wanted to forgive him to tell him how much I missed him and go back but I couldn't forget and I didn't trust him anymore.

"I though you came here for the team." I answered instead.

"I did and you are part of that team, _my_ team. I need you to help me with Supey and Megan and Kaldur, you were always the glue that kept us together and when you left everything fell apart and I can't do this by myself anymore." He looked so defeated and miserable. Once upon a time, I would've encourage him. I would have told him how amazing he was and that he had done everything he could. But now everything was different and it wasn't my place anymore to combat the darkness that often tried to take over my once best friend.

"Maybe you should just accept it for what it is." I whispered instead.

"What do you mean?" Dick asked fearfully.

"The Team we once were does not exist anymore, you should just move on. It's obvious that the rest of us already have." I spat the lie venomously. I didn't believe it for a second but I saw in his eyes that he thought I did. A lone tear escaped his eye but he made no effort to brush it away. He just looked at me, searching for the kid I used to be. The kid that never gave up on his friends and was loyal to a fault and when he didn't find me, he simply shook his head and with a whispered "I understand" he started to leave. Just as he opened the door he turned back and for a moment I hoped he wouldn't give in, I hoped he would stay and fight for us but he just looked at me and then left. I stood there for about half a second with Artemis and then I sped through the house and into the bathroom where I proceeded to cry silently for everything I had lost.

Artemis didn't look at me when I finally came out of the bathroom two hours later. She simply walked by me and entered to take a shower. When she finished she laid down beside me on the bed. Both of us had our backs towards each other but that wasn't anything new.

"It was when Jason died, you went to help him and he said something to you...I am guessing something concerning your parents." I flinched, Artemis was too smart. I had never told her anything about my past even though she had trust me with hers. However, she knew not to ask anything concerning my life before Aunt Iris and Uncle Barry. She didn't know what my parents did to me nor the fragile psychological state I had as a result. However, she knew that it was bad and after I disappeared the first times she brought it up, she stop asking. However now she turned around forcing me to do the same and her look told me that I could not run away this time. She looked so confident and sure of herself that for a moment I remembered why I had kissed her that New Year.

"Do you regret it? Do you regret entering that room and talking to him?" I was just about to say yes because I hated everything my life had become since that day but then I thought about what Dick had said, about how I had saved him that day and I couldn't bring myself to regret it. I stayed silent but Artemis understood. She knew now that our past two years had been a lie and that I never chose her, I just didn't have any other option at the time. So she turned her back to me again and the next morning told me she was going to help Dick.

I don't know if she did it out of vengeance, loyalty or if she really missed being a hero but I let her go. When she told me she was going undercover, I was pissed but she reminded me it was her choice and that I was welcomed to help. I let it go. I didn't believe my life could become more miserable but during those months that I spent alone in a bubble while my friends risked their lives to save us all I reached a new low. Besides my now constants fights with Dick I didn't talk to anyone. Even returning to be Kid Flash for a day didn't help, after all in a day a kid had proofed that everything I worked so hard to accomplish for years didn't meant anything. I was slowly losing myself and once again contemplating leaving it all behind.

I lost it when the mountain was blown up and we had our worst fight, besides the incident that ended our friendship. Later I could remember everything we had said and done to each other and felt even more miserable. I wanted to apologize and offer to help. I had seen how ragged and lost he looked, he was giving up. However, my ego, pride and of course cowardice didn't let me and instead I brooded and worried.

Our last conversation before the final confrontation with the light wasn't any better. Dick came once again to me to ask for my help. Apparently, Blue Beetle had been taken over and Bart wouldn't listen to anyone telling him it wasn't his fault.

"Wally, he's your cousin and a kid speedster at that. You are the only person that knows what that's like." He had said when I refused for what seemed the hundredth time to go talk to the kid.

"I don't even know the kid, Dick! Tell Barry or Jay to talk to him. Hell, you can even talk to Jesse if a younger speedster is what you want. Now please leave me the hell alone!" We both stood facing each other and for the first time in knowing him Dick's eyes looked disappointed in me.

"I thought you were better than this." He spat "I thought you would have been able to put whatever happened between us aside to help others, specially _your_ family. But I guess I was wrong, I guess you just don't care anymore."

"I guess I don't" I lied. A part of me, the hero inside me, screamed at me to go help. To stop this nonsense and go saved those that had saved me multiple times. But I was too hurt, selfish and bitter.

"Whatever happened to 'If you are going, I'm going'?" Dick asked as he walked away, not really expecting me to answer.

"That's the problem isn't it, I don't want to go anywhere you go." I whispered. He didn't look back or stop walking but his shoulders were tensed as he walked away.

-/-/-/-

The memories flash in my mind in a fraction of a fraction of a second while I run towards what speedsters believe to be a myth, the Speed Force. I know that I am about to die but I can't bring myself to regret coming here. For the first time in years I feel like I am where I belong, even if I soon will not be anywhere at all. Putting the suit again today reminded me of who I am. I am not a civilian, I am a hero and therefor I shall not stand in the sidelines while others risk their lives for me to have a normal one. I think Artemis understands it too, after all for the first time in years we experienced peace in each other's embrace again. But it had nothing to do with our love towards each other and everything to do with the fact that we were once again where we belonged. I hope she will not give up that now that I will be lost, she deserves to be herself. So I tell Uncle Barry to tell her. And then I think of Dick, I know he will be destroyed by my death because I would be too if the situation was reversed. Now that I am about to die I am able to admit to myself that I have never stop caring for him and that he is still my best friend. I don't want him to live thinking I hated him, to be consumed by the grief and guilt that threatened to take over when Jason died. I don't want our years of animosity to be in bane. I want him to be happy. So with a new sense of urgency I try to tell Uncle Barry to tell him I forgive him but it's too late. Light encompasses me all around and I am no longer here nor there. I am everywhere and nowhere. I am neither alive nor death. I am the speed force and the speed force is me.


End file.
